| One day, I'll run away. |
[May. 13th, 2008|03:16 pm] |
I've started looking at all the money I have. In my checking account, in my CD, and in bonds that I've had since I was little. I want to know exactly how much I have. When I start my new job next week, all I'm going to be doing is saving my money. I need to start saving because pretty soon I'm going to get away. The feeling is urgent. More and more every day I feel this need to go away somewhere where I don't know anybody, where I have no attatchments. So I can start all over. I love the people in my life, I really do. Some too much. And it's going to be hard. Very hard. But I feel like it's something I'm going to have to do for myself in order to be happy. And I want that. I want to be happy. I don't want to compromise my own happiness for the sake of anyone else. I feel like if I stay, that's what I'll end up doing. I'm not just sad and ranting, I've felt this way for quite some time. And every time, I push it out of my head because of all the things I'm afraid of losing. I've talked about going away to college in Arizona, or taking trips to other places for a while.. and obviously they've never happened. Usually there's too much keeping me here. There still is, but I've realized that a lot of what is keeping me here is also what is driving me away. So really, what's a girl to do?
"So you fake you're full and you feel tomorrow
coming and you gotta do what you can do to get
away with everything you want and still get what you need.
So you're slowing down cause you've done it before,
you look at the floor and you wonder when it's gonna
come on up over your head so you can get some rest." |
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| i w a o y, o i w n o y. i d w t b h f y t n. |
[Oct. 16th, 2007|11:16 am] |
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i don't know how much longer i can do this. i hate this feeling and although i act as if it doesn't bother me, it does. and you know it does. and that's what makes it worse. so i'll smile for a little while longer, but i'm growing tired and my patience is growing thin. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|03:48 pm] |
| [ | listenin' to |
| | we'rewolf - every time i die | ] |
i've been thinking about this for about a week now, but today more than ever it's been eating away at me.
i want to go to ASU next semester. i already have the acceptance, the only thing that has been holding me back for the past year is that i'd miss everyone way too much. i still will miss everyone, but like.. it's not the same. lately i've been feeling let down a lot. i'm just tired of doing everything i can to make everyone else happy, but not doing what i need to make myself happy. i let my happiness be compromised for the happiness of others. and i hate that. there's just certain things and people i need to get away from. and i definitely need a big change. arizona would be a big change. new state, new people, new school, new job opportunities. and the fact that it's all the way on the other side of the country allows me not to get roped back in too easily.
so there. i've decided today that that's what i want. and if not, it's only a semester, i can always come home after if i don't like it. and it'll be an experience. for the first time in a month i'm truly excited/looking forward to something. |
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| oofa.. |
[Aug. 21st, 2007|03:25 pm] |
i'm happy. i've met some amazing people this summer, and i'm very grateful for it. i don't think this summer has been wasted, which is always a good thing. it's the end of summer, however.. this past week has been a lot of fun and the next two should be pretty dope, too. i'm hoping.
it still gets to me, sometimes. it just hurts knowing that i've been lied to and led on.
basically, i feel that i've lost a friend.
i guess that's life, right?
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| your body is a blank canvas waiting to be filled. |
[Jul. 3rd, 2007|11:46 am] |
small update..
mar, kris, tom and i went to the captive bead yesterday. tom got his lip pierced, kristin got her tragus re-pierced, and i got my cartilage re-pierced. i also got my third holes on my lobes re-pierced earlier in the day.
i love piercings. i want about three more. i think we're all going again on friday, minus tom, plus jessie. i'm excited. =)
also, i really want another tattoo. badly. i actually want three more -- i want one on my right foot, one on the back of my neck, and one about midback on the right side. however,l i don't want all of them right now. i only want the one on my foot now. the rest are for later.
that's all. =) |
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| =) |
[Jun. 8th, 2007|01:46 pm] |
i've been in a much better mood, lately. i'm out of my funk, and i'm glad for it. i've figured out that what i want and what i need will probably never match, and i'm just going to let things work out instead of worrying about it. i'm not going to go out of my way anymore and i'm not going to put myself out there again. i did my part - whatever happens, happens.
anyway, here's a small recap of the past couple of days....
monday - i went out to lunch with brandon at panera, then we went to playtime boutique for some good, clean fun. haha. they have some craazzy shit in there. then at night i hung out with teejay, jon russel, and dig baby. :P we went to jersey gardens and played some mario party 8.
tuesday - i worked in the a.m. but got off for the night. i ended up going to eric d's with everyone cause he came home from eeuurrope. it was a good time. we hung out, had a bonfire, roasted marshmallows (very dangerous), and played some mafia. i also went on the craziest wendy's trip ever with ed. ridiculous.
wednesday - went out to lunch with kelly and brandon. then worked bar 330 to close, which would have sucked soooo bad, but i got a nice surprise.. marianne, jess, rob, teejay, sean, eric, marlinski, jon russel, tom, ed, loraine, kristin, leo, and alisha came to visit. they took up half the bar, but it was okay because by 11 all the other customers had left. it was dope. :P
thursday - worked a double, went out drinking with everyone after. what else is new?
so in conclusion, i've had a good week so far. scratch that, i've had a good summer so far. i hope it stays this way. |
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| don't wanna let this end.. |
[May. 31st, 2007|03:04 pm] |
went to the mets game on tuesday with jason and marlinski... what a ridiiiiculous game. 12 innings. two balks in an inning. mets took the win. so much fun. i hadn't been to a game in sooo long, and i'm really glad i went with them. i love those two.<3
yesterday was feliks' surprise party. it went so well, everyone had a blast. feliks most importantly had a great time. that's all that matters. =) yeah, it was an hour away, but it was entirely worth it. the best thing to have come out of my job is definately the group of friends that i have made.
on a different note, i really wanna play mario party 8, yo.
on a less happy note, i'm broke. i've spent so much money between day trips, parties, birthdays, games, etc. i need to stop giving away my shifts at work. |
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| fun in the sun. |
[May. 25th, 2007|06:40 pm] |
i went to a nude beach today with kelly. haha.
and let me tell you....... awkward. i don't plan on going again any time soon, thank you. as much as i'm all about not wearing clothes, i'm not about 40 year old fat men flopping around all over the place. |
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| sooo many pictures.... |
[May. 24th, 2007|02:56 pm] |
this week has been dope.
saturday was the party at 52 handy. all i can say is ridiculous. i ended up not going home at all. only got an hour and a half for sleep that night... i love when they do big things.
sunday was nicole's 21st birthday. i love that so many people showed up. <3 it's good to have everyone home. i'm sure she doesn't remember much of it but i sure do. :P everyone had so much fun, and sooo much to drink.
monday i had off. went to lunch with mar and somewhat with ian. we played the best prank on ian ever. we got into his car while he was working. left notes, random embarrassing things, and stole some of his stuff. then we parked far away and i called him and told him that someone hit his car in the parking lot and it was baaaadd. he came out looking sooooo pissed off. but his face was priceless when he saw everything. here are some pictures.....
this is the beginning.....
but this was the best part.....
what's all that? mar's bra, my thong, an emergency condom package, anti-itch cream, a tampon, and what you need to know about your new oral contraception. haha. it was great.
tuesday i worked a double but went to friday's for sandra and papa's last day of bartending. it was sooo sad but so much fun. here's some pictures. =)
wednesday was our daaayyy trip. mar, jess and i went to PA for some crazyness. we sat in traffic for like.. 3 hours, which made the day seem like it was going to be sooo terrible. but it wasn't. it was worth it. =) here are looaads of pictures from that.
also, ed rue and lorraine are no longer allowed to pick out movies. because i had nightmares about grown men emerging from other men's assholes last night. D:
today i worked but i'm going out to dinner with brandon and we're going to see pirates! and yeah, i aaam excited. :P
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| because it's all i ever knew of love.. |
[May. 20th, 2007|11:19 pm] |
i haven't slept in my own bed more than once in the past week. i haven't really slept much in the past week, for that matter. i'm exhausted - physically and emotionally. i don't know what it is i want anymore, or what it is i'm doing. i have this nagging, lingering feeling that i'm going to get myself into trouble..
i've been a bad bad girl.
i've been careless
with a delicate man.
and it's a sad sad world,
when a girl will break a boy
just because she can. |
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kisforknockout's journal